i've attempted to contact my PO once.
she didn't call back.
nor have i attempted to call her again. lost her phone number...
i'm sure she'll rear her head at a moment least expected. wonder if she's...
fat.
rude.
wonder why she does what she does.
if she really believes things to be wrong.
if what i did was wrong... i don't think so.
but my perception doesn't matter.
it was her birthday today.
she doesn't talk much. says she's apprehensive because i fill her with doubt.
is she bullshitting me? her "excuses" sound like mine.
wish i knew wether she was genuine. if i had the money i wouldn't be visiting morro bitch bay.
i'd be with her.
but i don't have money.
it was her birthday a few days ago.
why does she still care?
could i handle her not caring? question, after question...
wish i'd just right eloquent, obscure clauses.
i'm lacking all motivation. no one posts on this anymore.
but i still visit from time to time.
i slipped in the bathroom today.
my thoughts spilt onto the floor through a crack in my head.
i was glad to rid myself of them for a few hours.
why do i have dreamless sleep?
i know i have them, but why don't i remember? she and she and she claim to love me.
why don't i love them?
bah.
why don't they trigger the same chemical reactions they did?
are they all used up?
where can i get more?
how much would they cost? i try to contact slo.
she doesn't answer.
she won't or is in the same listless state i was in a year ago.
sick of my neglect?
revenge? i'm going to fix my car this week.
i'm stoked.
i'm going to fill her up, and take her somewhere nice.
somewhere far.
out of reach. to sleep, to dream, to love, to scream.
background check's still pending.
hoping for a yellow.
then i'll have money.
to hustle. to spend. get a day time job too. fix ma' life.
can't wait for that garden...
but i'm scared to get there...
so many would disagree with my choice.
that my life because of it will amount to nothing.
behind bars. but i have different plans.
better plans. i don't know if i can stomach the distance.
being without the music.
the music's my favorite part.
the shows, the friends.
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